At Least I Am Certain About Not Living In Rhode Island

I miss Boston.

I also miss Maine.

And I love it here.

...

I miss being able to walk ten minutes in order to get to a million different things.

I miss being able to drive an hour before you see a city.

I love being so close to Long Island sound I can smell the sea water in the air when it rains.

I miss my friends.

I miss my family.

I love being close to my family here, and reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in years.

Even though I had to work weekends and sometimes be up at 6am on a Saturday so I could work for three hours at a meeting, then come back hours later to do a full shift... I miss my job. I especially miss the people there.

I miss being able to support myself through art, internet work, and writing.

I love the idea of being able to go back to school.

I hated the commute to work.

I hated the commute to the grocery store.

I love the commute to pretty much anything I need to get to.

I miss spending Thursday nights at the Pig, walking down to Qdoba after a stressful day, taking the T down to Newbury Street and exploring the shops there, sitting out in the common, or the fens, and having a relaxing afternoon.

I miss hiking through West Paris, driving to York Beach, driving up the coast toward Bath and beyond, and heading into Portland with my cousin for a girl's day.

I love seeing my parents, and my brother, and going to Mohegan Sun for dinner and a show, walking through the parks and the hiking trails, and driving up to Lake Zoar, or Candlewood, just to look at the leaves or the water or whatever.

When I was in Boston, I wanted to move back to Maine or back here as much as I loved it there.

When I was in Maine, I wanted to move back here or, more likely, move to Boston.

When I'm here, I want to move back to Maine and back to Boston.

I want to be everywhere.

But I can't.

... Is it possible to be homesick for three places at once?

Yet what am I homesick for?

Most of my Boston friends have scattered, so it won't be the same.

My grandmother passed away and my cousin's marriage fell apart, so Maine will not be the same.

And as much as I try to reconnect with people, we have all been apart for so long and are so different now, it will never be the same.

We almost moved to NH or VT. What would that have done? Would I still be in this same situation?

I can't find a steady job here, but I want to go back to school. If I go back to Boston, I can find a job but going to school is going to be hard to swing. If I go back to Maine, well, both are going to be hard. VT has the best employment rates right now, who knows about New Hampshire.

Will I ever be completely happy where I am? Do I just need to pick up and finally use my EU passport for something other than bragging rights? Should I go work in Greece and live there? Should I finally do JET and go to Japan? So many people to let down, so much stuff to do, so much money to pay, so much of everything.

If someone can help me find an answer, I'd greatly appreciate it.